Letter From My Body

Harriet,

Why don’t you like me? Why does my size bother you so much? What is it about me that confines you and makes you feels so insecure? Is it really about people looking at me and making judgements? Do you think that if I’m not perfectly flat you won’t be loved or be able to find someone to love? Would you really want to be with someone who wouldn’t love you because I’m not perfect? Do you think that this one aspect of you will really change the way people look at you or change the way you look at yourself? Why do you let me hold power over you? What do you gain from it? You obviously feel worse about yourself and less willing to wear certain clothes or even do certain activities if you know I’m going to show – how does that support you and make your life more wonderful? Do you think that it makes your life more wonderful? What pleasure do you get out of it? What story have you told yourself about me that makes this worth it for you? You know everything happens for a reason so the fact that I hold the power in our relationship is not accidental, but why does holding onto me serve you? Why can’t you just let go your obsession with me? What lesson or skill do you still need to learn from me? Do you really think this is a skill that you need to learn over and over again or will once be enough for you?

I understand the discomfort my presences has for you and I can see and feel how much pain you’re in, and I just want to support you in recovery, but you won’t let me. When you see me growing and changing, fear builds up in you about not beings seen as attractive or not being loved. Then, your ex’s keep popping up, and you wonder if they would ever have loved you or even cared about you if I had been bigger or different. Don’t you see that your beauty surpasses the physical and that the reason people are drawn to you is because of who you are and that isn’t dependent on your physical body? Wouldn’t it be easier to love yourself fully and to see yourself as beautiful and not need the external recognition? Do you understand that it would be easier for people to love you and see all of your greatness if you first saw and experienced it yourself? And why do you fear getting to a place of true self-acceptance? Where does that fear of feelings like other people will view you as arrogant and selfish come from? Feeling good about yourself and who you are as a person is a healthy and wonderful way to feel. Embrace when you feel those things, especially when you feel that way about me.

I cannot disappear, I cannot leave you, I cannot morph under your willpower like every other aspect of your life. No matter how much you wish I will change when you’re eating, I will always be what I am meant to be, and that is part of who you are. Unlike other people and things, I will never leave you, I will always support you in the way you need even if you don’t want my help or presence. I am here to keep you alive and to keep you from disappearing. Why do you need to make me small to feel like you can live? I am here to make sure that you survive, and my size doesn’t change that.

When you starve me you feel more confident, when you feed me you feel diminished and less loveable, but when you find someone who does love you for who you are, don’t you want to be healthy for them and the future lives that you will spend together? I know that you feel embarrassed and insecure about how much you let your happiness and confidence be determined by an external source, such as by the men in your life, but you are just trying to survive and you will find your power when you learn what you need to learn from this. Don’t be ashamed of how you feel. It doesn’t matter how others feel about you and this certain situation even if they feel the way you fear. You are allowed to be the only one who struggles with this and you don’t need to feel like less of an independent and strong person because of it.

You grew up believing that you were in charge of your emotions and the way you view yourself, so now you struggle with the fact that you feel like you are choosing to feel this way, and feel embarrassed that you can’t just change it. Don’t fight yourself and me so much. The easier you  make accepting your challenges, the easier it will be to overcome them. I am ready to give you your power back, but you need to be ready to receive it.

My request is that you look at these questions and understand where they are coming from, and why. Really explore these questions and you may be able to take your power back from me and understand your greatness and strength that has always been there. There is a gift I am supposed to give you and a lesson you’re supposed to learn, but learn it when you’re ready to, and don’t be afraid to let me go.

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