What I Needed To Hear

This is a story I wrote to my younger self, based on what I needed to hear:

“I can’t tell you…”

“I know. You are so very afraid! That doesn’t even seem like a strong enough word, does it? I won’t pressure you, but I am here and willing to listen.”

“I want to pour out my soul to someone and tell them all that’s happened. I want to be free from all of it, but I’m so very afraid of the consequences.”

“Tell your story at your own time and your own pace. I’m here to listen, not to judge. I care about you and I want to help anyway I can.”

“Can you handle it? Will you leave if it’s just too much to bear?”

“I can’t promise you how I’ll react, but I’m willing to listen and to pray and to help how I can. Please don’t worry about me, God will give me all that I need to handle what you want to share.”

“The first time I tried to tell my friends (who I didn’t know very well because we had just moved again) one told the teacher and the other one got curious about what it was like… I lied to the teacher because I was afraid. I felt betrayed. My other friend started getting curious about sex and wanted to know what it was like… we’d have sleepovers and she’d touch me when we were in bed. Why did she think this was ok? She asked me what it felt like to have someone inside of you. She asked to borrow tampons so she could feel what it was like… I was going through some very rough days where I was so scared to even come out of my closet and she just wanted to feel what I felt. No matter how horrific it was, she couldn’t wait to experience it. Talk about feeling confused and angry and alone. I pulled away from all my relationships and stuffed everything so deep inside me. I vowed to never talk about any of it again. I began a journey of self denial that led to anorexia, fainting, and pretending everything was ok. If I couldn’t trust my friends with my darkest experiences and it caused them to want to experience them, then I couldn’t trust anyone!”

“I’m so sorry that happened.”

“It got so bad over the years that I became a perfectionist to hide my broken and shattered life. I couldn’t handle what had happened and the after effects of telling someone.”

“I’m so sorry! I’m honored you felt safe enough to share this with me. I know that took an incredible amount of courage and a leap of faith.”

“I feel so alone in my head sometimes. I can’t talk about the hurt and it eats away at me. I feel like I’ll be abandoned or it will happen again if I say anything.”

“Honey, I have no plans on leaving you here. We will walk this journey together and get the help you need. Not long from now you’ll meet God. He created you and he loves you. He wants to hear everything you are feeling and going through. You can trust him.”

“Thank you for caring and listening.”

 

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